I'm struggling with my creativity lately. I had to write a song last week for my music class, and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't figure out what to do--I don't have it in me, but I want to. I didn't want to take the easy way out and record myself reading a poem (who likes hearing their own voice, anyway?), but I didn't do very well trying to go the other way. In fact, I would say that I failed: I failed at producing something original and creative.
I have always known I'm a little bit Type-A, but I sometimes forget how devastated I get when I crash and burn in front of others. I failed as a defense lawyer in my American Government class's mock trial. Whenever I get flustered because I can't think on my feet, I picture myself back in that classroom, dressed well (I looked so professional that day), but frozen in place while I try unsuccessfully to make my classmates understand why the defendant's clothing was covered in fibers from the getaway car even though he didn't do it. I hated being dressed up for the rest of the day because it was a reminder of how poorly I'd done.
I don't think this little composition problem is going to be etched so permanently in my memory the way that trial is (although, isn't it wonderful I'll always be able to read about it here), but it has bothered me the same way. I'm not a particularly gutsy person, which makes confronting shortcomings that much harder. I'm sure no one else cares or even remembers the trial just like I'm sure that no one will remember Monday's music lecture.
I learned in that high school classroom that I am terrible at defending my side in arguments. I'm just wondering what it is I'll learn from my failure this time.