Thursday, March 03, 2005

Because I Support Writing When You Need to Write.

And because when other people get to thinking, it inspires me to think, and learn from their experiences. And maybe even their mistakes.

I always thought that I was insecure, and shy, and unsure of what I wanted. And I felt pretty bad about that. I felt bad about not being the prettiest, the most popular, the funniest, the best. Mostly because I was constantly trying to find some way to make myself "better," and it just wasn't working.

Then I started thinking about other people. I wondered if I could model myself off of them, because weren't they happy? And if I did what they were doing, wouldn't I be happy too? At first, I tried relentlessly to be someone else. And it didn't work. I felt weird at the time but now I can identify that weirdness as feeling uncomfortable and unnatural. It wasn't who I was. Then I looked a little harder. What was I missing?

And then I realized something as I watched all those people I thought were happy and secure and together. They were dealing with the same things I was. They weren't happy the way I thought they were. And that's why trying to follow them wasn't working--because what they were doing wasn't the answer, either.

So I stepped back and evaluated myself again. And I saw that I did know what I wanted, and what I liked, and what my goals were. Sure, I probably couldn't verbalize all of that, but I would say I have a handle on who I am. And if I'm wrong, isn't that okay? Because as long as I believe I know, I think I'll trust myself. And I think that's the key.

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