Monday, September 26, 2005

Three Authors Society Loves That I Just Can't Stand. AT ALL.

I don't have a favorite author. I have a favorite book, and there are authors I enjoy reading. But there are authors that make me a little sick to think about reading. Here they are.

  1. Dan Brown. I hate you, Dan. I think your writing is terrible (We've been through this before. Twice.) and although you are talented at locating fascinating facts and weaving a story around them, I still find it hard to stomach your writing, which is bland and calculated. I read The Da Vinci Code, and what I failed to realize before beginning was that it captured the public's attention not because it was a great piece of literature (although you and your publishers have fooled them into thinking it!!! Which makes me MAD!), but because the topic is controversial. You are not a great writer. You are just good at getting people riled up. Well done. I'll let you go now so you can go write another story about a beautiful and (surprisingly, much to the astonishment of the main MALE character) intelligent woman who aids a man trying to save humanity. Because I'm going to be sick.

  2. Barbara Kingsolver. Ooooh, the first of the Oprah Book Club writers I disdain so much. I don't care if Oprah likes you. Good for her, she can read whatever she wants. However, when you get my Botany professor to make us read your novel, your novel that I CANNOT FIND SPARK NOTES FOR, well then I get upset. Your writing is pretentious and you too easily assume that people are falling all over themselves for an opportunity to read the words you've written for them. Just tell your story, please. I'll give you this, you have a much better vocabulary than our buddy Dan over there. But I still can't stand how you use it. I'm done, but p.s. I hate that you are a national bestseller.

  3. Gary Paulsen. This is a deep-seated hate that goes back to my sixth-grade reading class. Oh, I hated Hatchet. And as if that weren't bad enough, I also had to read The River. It's quite likely that I'm using Gary here as a scapegoat, because there's that period of time in elementary and middle school when all the teachers do is teach boy books, ones with suspense and "adventure" and male protagonists. Didn't anyone else want to read Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret? Probably. But instead I had to read books by authors like Gary Paulsen. Books about getting stuck in an avalanche or being in WW II or how about The Contender? I don't particularly care for boxing.
I'm sure there are more, but right now I'm at a loss. Not to mention the fact that I'm sort of enjoying being so mean to these three.

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